My living situation, friends (and everything  that's got my head fucked up in general)...

First off when August 1 rolls around i will once again be living in a different place.  I thought i was going to stay in this place with my roommates for at least one more year.  But one roommate has decided to live with a friend that he knows from BSC, the other with one of our friends from the dorms, and the third I could absolutely not live with for another year.  I kind of wish that the one living with another guy i'm pretty good friends with would have at least asked me if i wanted to live with them, even though i probably would have said no because we all have conflicting personalities.  I get loud and obnioxious and can't shut up some times and they are both really laid back.  So i'm left with living on my own unless something drastic happens before Aug 1.  Which i don't know if i can handle i like getting done with work or school and coming home to vent with someone.  I don't know how i'll be able to handle the stress with out being able to vent my pissed off-ness to someone.

Friends...

I've found myself questioning exactly who my friends are, what their motivations are, and whether or not they are starting to get fed up with me.  My roommate Ryan and i used to be the two in the house who talked the most, but lately it seems like he really wants nothing to do with me.  He made some comment after telling me that he was going to the bar with a couple of our friends like "i just figured i'd tell you, but i didn't really want you to come." and i kinda sensed that it wasn't completely a joke. My friend Anna, who i considered my best female friend in Fargo has hardly talked to me since the summer started ( i always like to have at least one really good female friend because they seem to understand shit like this a little bit better, so this one really hurts) The few times i've gone out with her so far she's been really cold and hardly said anything other than small talk to me.

Gambling.........

I hate even typing that word.  It's one of those things that has haunted me for more years than i can remember.  From betting on games, to eventually working my way up to poker and finally blackjack i've had what most people would consider a gambling addiction for as long as i know.  It first became obvious to me a couple of years ago when i managed to lose thousands of dollars to a friend just by playing blackjack.  Because we're friends we eventually settled for a little over $300.  Which still meant that i had to pay him several times over the course of a summer.  My gambling peak hit when i won $1800 at a cruise shiip casino over spring break this year.  My low was a month and a half later when i was dipping into my savings account (which was mostly my mom's money) just to pay rent after i lost it all $200 dollars at at time over the course of a month of ND charitable gaming blackjack)  A week after i decided it was time to stop playing a got a call from my mom in which she hinted several times at the possible presence of drug problem i finally broke down and told her about my real problem.  I had a feeling that it kind of caught her offguard because she had already had experience dealing with my older brother's drug problems. This was totally new to her.

Gambling (some more)....

I remember driving to the casino by Hankinson on a Tuesday afternoon knowing (deep down) that there was no way i'd get home for my 5:00 class and thinking to myself in these exact words "i'm trying to fill a void.  Fill this void with alcohol and gambling." I'm still not sure what's causing this void but i know that ever since i quit gambling it seems much bigger.  I know more than anything that not gambling is the best thing for me and i haven't done it for over a month now.  I admit that i miss sitting down at a Blackjack table with people i don't know and sharing a common goal "make as much money as possible".  But i think i miss that only because i don't get a chance to sit down with new people and have a quick ice breaker and meet new people.  So what will fill this void?

Friends (again)...

I had the joy last week of being informed that one of my friends, J.B., was in the psych ward at Merit Care.  I can't say that i was to thrilled that i wasn't informed of this until i met some of friends at a bar on saturday night, even after they had known for a couple of days at that point.  I still haven't visited him, i don't know that i have the strength to do this one on my own.  I've spent a week mulling this one over because i've always related with him well.  We were both always up for going to the bar (no matter the night of the week), we both both tend to think deeply on things that most of our friends don't.  Anna told me last week that J.B. told her that he couldn't read anything other than Entertainment Weekly or Sports Illustrated because he thought to deeply into what other publications were saying.  She considered that wierd, I find myself doing the same things.  I really feel bad that i never noticed this before because he's been showing signs of it for a while at least his being bipolar.  I never thought twice about the fact that he spent weeks at a time last year seeming completely wired and then wouldn't even leave his house for weeks after that.  I feel stupid as a person who is taking psych as a minor that i never noticed something so obvious.

Filling the void....

I still have no clue what i need to fill the void.  Is it religion? Is it a good woman? Is it winning the World Series of Poker?  Is it a good job with good friends?  Hopefully someday i'll be able to write in this thing the right answer

That was a lot of shit, but i will definitely admit that getting some of it off my chest will help me sleep a little bit better tonight.

Still lost....

My freshman year i wrote a lot about being lost.  So here i am almost three years later and not in much better shape.  I'm still searching for that life altering moment that i would love to come my way.  Hoping that life wasn't so simple that i missed the solution to a good one years ago.  I'm totally clueless as to what i'm actually going to do with a business degree.  I wonder if i could just give it all up and move to some beach town in mexico and sell trickets for a living.  I'm starting to wonder if i'm just leading myself down the path to miserable life where i continually quesiton if i missed every opportunity thrown at me just becuase i always thought that another one would come my way soon enough.  I'm beginning to realize that i'm coming to the end of this college thing and i'm running out of time to figure out where i'm going and what the hell i'm going to do when i get there and more importantly why i want to.

Holy Shit.....

Wow, i can't believe that they don't delete you off of this thing after two years or so of not writing anything.  It's a Saturday night and i'm bored off my ass (slightly intoxicated also).  I've actually thought about trying to delete this shit a couple of times, but never did (thank god).  I started reading over some of this shit from freshman year and can't help but smile.  It's crazy being able to read the stuff i was thinking back then. 

So what's up...

Well i'm still in school at NDSU, majoring in business administration with a minor in psychology, should be out in a year and a half or so.  I've spent the last couple months working at Menards in Fargo.  My roommate count for since i've started college is now at 13 (lived in two different houses with people i grew up with).  I had to leave my last set of roomies after one of them got his girlfriend pregnant.  I really miss those guys.  I love my current roommates just as much though we all share the same sick ass sense of humor.  All and all if i had to sum up where i'm at these days i'd have to say i'm getting ready to head out in the real world but definitely still a few years off.  If anybody from that freshman english class still gets these things e-mailed to them (or for some god awful reason still checks them out to see if there is anything new) i'd love to hear from you and know what the hell you're up to these days.

But anyway, i'm out, with one final piece of advice to anybody who actually read this: check out the stuff you wrote.  Go through it all.  We were all at a pretty shitty time in our lives.  Nobody really knew what the hell they were doing.  It is definitely a cool thing that we have all the crazy ass thoughts we were thinking out there in cyberspace for us to read over whenever we want, and it's definitely quiet a trip down memory lane.

Randy Miller

Life in Rugby...

I doubt anybody is still reading this stuff, but i hope that everyone is having a damn fun summer.  Mine's going pretty good.  I'm working as a cook at a pizza joint for the summer.  Decent work with free lunch so i like it. Missing Fargo more every day.  I've managed to forgive the ex-girlfriend and we're still on pretty good terms.  I still kinda get the feeling she wants to get back together though, considering she's had two boyfriends since me, but still has a picture of me on her keychain. Women are just way too damn confusing. I've been spending most of my days working, playing softball. golfing, playing cards, and drinking.  Anyway the sun's starting to come up and the last beer i bonged is kicking in so i best get my ass to bed.

Weekend recap...

This was a damn good one.  Thursday kicked off with some battle of the bands action, i was one of the few sober people but i still had fun. Friday, my friend Carrie and i managed to lead a walk out of out speech class, because it was nice out and we felt like getting drunk and watching the bands.  Friday night i heard some classic lines like "I want you to stay, but don't stay because I want you to stay" (my buddy Tyler) and "Where you from?....St. Cloud, huh?You know Minnesota?" (Adam). Saturday went to X-Men 2 (great movie).  Got back to the dorms started drinking.  Went to a party across town...great time...got a few phone numbers, including the girl R.A. who busted me earlier this year.

Final thoughts....

this is it my last entry from NDSU.  I have figured out many things about this college.  I realize that this is probably one of the most conservative campuses in the United States. I have also come to realize that the people here are really good people.  I can't say that i've made any friends as good as Jake from Rugby, but maybe best friends are like the perfect woman, maybe you'll only meet one in your life.  I might not have that connection with any one here, but these are still really fun people.  Goetz, Kyle, Boyak, Adam, and Staples are the loud/obnoxious ones, Detox, Ffej, Stout, and me are the quiet ones except when we're drunk.  Tyler, Locken, and Dick are the confident but not cocky ones.  Of course nothing but love to the many women who have been substituted in and out all year, depending on who's dating who at the time. All and all it makes for some interesting people and some incredibly great times.  This year, despite it's boring times, has been a good one.  And let me just say i'm gonna miss most of these people since we all seem to be getting split up next year.  Hopefully i we still see the ones who go here a lot. I'll miss all those leaving: Boyak, Adam, Tanya, and Carrie. I wish them nothing but the best in their futures.